9 Ways to Deal with your Off-Campus Neigbor
Your first time moving off-campus is a one of a kind college experience. For the first time in your life, you have your own place. In your off-campus house, the possibilities are limitless. You can throw ragers every night, set up beer pong tables in the backyard, smoke and drink wherever you please without fear of campus security crashing the party. It’s how college was meant to be spent. However, upon moving off-campus everyone is introduced to an entirely novel problem–the off-campus neighbor. This neighbor can make or break your year. This list will help you deal with the neighbors who are set on making sure your off-campus experience feels no different than the dorm life you thought you escaped from.
1. As soon as you arrive at your new home, make contact with your neighbor. Open a dialogue and exchange numbers. Let your neighbor know that he (or she) can call you anytime of the day or night if he needs you turn the music down or start winding the party down.
2. Buy a case of seasonal beer for your neighbor. If they decline your offer, take it home and drink it yourself. It’s not like you don’t deserve it.
3. Try negging your neighbor in order to make him or her seek your approval. Throughout the day, say off-hand comments about your neighbors appearance or other things to make them feel bad. For example: “Hey [Neighbor's name], would you mind keeping an eye on our house tonight? We’ll be having a dinner party at [Other Neighbor's name]‘s house?”; or “Oh sorry I didn’t see that text about moving my car”; or “Maybe if you started dressing nicer, people wouldn’t be so turned off”. By talking down to your neighbor, he or she will try hard to impress you and make you like them.
4. Host a party and instruct everyone it’s BYOI, bring your own instrument. At a predesignated time, have everyone play a single loud note. The loud crash of noise will burst your neighbors ear drums and he will no longer be bothered with the noise your house makes in the future.
5. Treat one member of your house as if he is suffering from a terminal disease. Have flowers sent to your house from yourselves. Have somber looking mourners drop by frequently. Have the “sick” friend go outside and start crying during the day. If your neighbor has a heart, or is just super uncomfortable, he’ll give your house some space.
6. Play the political game. Begin funding the house on the other side of your neighbor so they can throw even bigger and better parties. Soon, all your neighbor’s attention will be directed to this new threat and will leave you alone. Watch as your two neighbors ruin each other.
7. I don’t know, muffin basket?
8. Ask him or her, “What’s your deal, douche-dick?” This will make your neighbor stop and search himself as to why he’s being a douche-dick.
9. Maybe stop playing beer pong on your roof at 2:00 AM on a Tuesday.